Bizzy As Bro - Issue #1 04/04/25
"...have collapsed like domino's, owing over $2.2 million”
Welcome to Bizzy as Bro— your weekly round-up of NZ Business
No suits. No jargon. Just hot takes and yarns to chuck around at Friday drinks.
New issue every Friday morning. Subscribe below — your inbox will thank you.
Here’s what’s in the briefcase this week:
👨💼Bizzness At The Front
🤩Skux Of The Week
😔The Biggest Loser
🥳Party At The Back
🍺Friday Drinks Cheat Sheet
Alright, let’s crack into it:
Kia ora, you sexy Kiwi you🤤.
While you tried to figure out when Daylight Savings is, Nicola ‘What You Talkin About’ Willis was pretending to care that groceries are expensive AF, My Food Bag dished out buzzwords like side salads, and Uncle Winnie ordered two new ferries—expected to arrive sometime before his funeral.
Elsewhere, Silver Fern Farms reckons it’s “turning the ship” (spoiler: their balance sheet still looks like a blue steak), and the Government launched a war on traffic cones. That’s right — there’s now a hotline for excessive conage. Peak NZ.
But before you call in a Code Orange, here’s this week’s business news in under 5 minutes.
Bizzness At The Front - News Round-up
🛒 1. Supermarket Duopoly May Be Sliced and Diced
Finance Minister Nicola ‘What Ya Talking About’ Willis is coming for the fat c… ats of grocery: Foodstuffs and Woolworths. Options include splitting brands (like New World and PAK’nSAVE) or even breaking them up so other supermarkets like Aldi and Coles can get a hand in the cookie jar.
But even the “experts” admit that the duopoly might only be a small slice of the overpriced Irvines pie. Geography, biosecurity, and the fact we’re a small, tiddly market all make it hard to keep a cabbage under $5 bucks.
📌TLDR: The government might break up Foodstuffs and Woolworths. Aldi could invade. Or it could stay the same, and we will spend another quadric sh💩t tonne on another investigation in 5 years’ time.
🍽️ 2. My Food Bag’s Back in Business (and Beefing with HelloFresh)
My Food Bag is back on the growth train after a forgettable year. Sales grew slightly, they held margins, and they’re throwing shade at HelloFresh, who are in hot water over alleged misleading ads.
CEO Mark’ Cold as’ Winter says the second half of the year was strong, and they may have found the recipe for a full-year dividend. Still, $162.1 million of revenue is not bad for a company that just puts your dinner in a box and sends it to your door because you cbf meal planning😆.
📌TLDR: My Food Bag grew a little, threw shade at HelloFresh, and served a full course of buzzword soup. Still expensive AF for pre-chopped carrots.
🚢 3. Rail Ferries Are Back (Again) – Just Shorter and Hopefully Cheaper
Winston ‘Hold My Ciggie’ Peters announced a new plan to buy two rail-ready ferries for the Cook Strait, replacing the axed $3bajaillion iReX project. The new ships will be shorter, reusing existing infrastructure where possible to save costs.
Freight companies, unions, and KiwiRail are stoked. Let’s just hope these ferries don’t end up like the last ones—dead in the water before they launch.
📌TLDR: Winston ordered two new rail ferries. Same sh💩t, different paint job. They’ll arrive in 2029 — just in time for his retirement cruise.
🥩 Silver Fern Farms Sees Red, But Smells a Comeback
Silver Fern Farms posted another loss — $21.8 million after tax — but CEO Dan’ The Meat Sultan’ Boulton says the meat ship is finally turning. Global demand is rising, export prices are strong, and farmers are back in spending mode. Lamb and beef prices are near record highs, and the company reckons it’s well on the way back to profit.
Procurement pressure (aka meat companies fighting over stock like it’s Boxing Day at Briscoes) hurt margins last year, but things are easing up. First-quarter results are already ahead of budget, and Boulton’s confident SFF will be pumping out ACDC’s Back in Black in 2025.
📌TLDR: The last year has been a blood bath, but things are mooving in the right direction.
🦺 5. Health & Safety Rules Eased for Small Biz, Road Cones in the Crosshairs
Workplace Safety Minister Brooke’ The Cone Assassin’ van Velden has announced cuts to health and safety red tape for small businesses, exempting them from some rules if they’re “low-risk”. Critics say this could make workers less safe, but Van Velden says it’s about focusing on real risks.
Also in the mix: a new hotline to dob in overuse of road cones. Yes, really. The Government has officially declared war on traffic cones. Who gets to be the lucky person on the end of the phone talking to boomers about road cone density?🤢
📌TLDR: Govt’s cutting red tape for small biz and launching a hotline for rogue road cones.
🤩Skux of the Week
🐐 LittleOak’s Aiming To Be The G.O.A.T
Goat milk formula company LittleOak is blowing up faster than a toddler on red food colouring. They’ve doubled revenue and are now out hunting for more milk and a bigger plant — all while keeping it boutique and boujee.
They’ve snubbed China (the land of infinite infant formula scandals) and are instead going hard in Murica🌭, where they just got a full FDA thumbs-up.
They’re picky about who they partner with, but that is part of the brand: clean, premium, and straight outta Palmy. This must be the first time those three words have been used in the same sentence😂.
😔The Biggest Loser
🍕 Domino’s Franchisee Vanishes Owing $2.2M
Brandon ‘Gone in 30 Minutes or Less’ Brooking, the director behind seven Domino’s pizza franchises with pun-laden names like You Want a Pizza Me and Getting Saucy, has done a Houdini. His businesses have collapsed LIKE DOMINO’S, owing over $2.2 million, mainly to the IRD, Coca-Cola, and Bidfood.
The liquidators can’t find him, can’t get any records, and say there’s nothing left to recover. Just a trail of unpaid bills and a pizza empire built on puns and tax avoidance. I did manage to get hold of his dad, who just said:
“I guess he kneaded the dough.”
🥳Party in the Back
🧼 Fluff of the Week
This week’s top-tier fluff comes from Mark’ Cold as’ Winter, CEO of My Food Bag, who delivered this gourmet serving of empty calories:
“We have preserved our margin and remained committed to enhancing the customer experience, expanding our product range and strengthening our portfolio of brands.”
✨ Wow. Inspiring. Groundbreaking.
It’s the business quote equivalent of a kombucha tasting note — fizzy, vaguely healthy-sounding, but you’re not entirely sure if it’s just full of sh💩t.
Translation: We didn’t lose heaps of money, added a few recipes, and kept the lights on.
Fluff rating: 4/5
📸 Meme of the Week
Surprise! Graeme Hart has gotten himself tangled up in another scandal involving awkward family dynamics and a twice-bankrupt property developer.
📈 Chart Of The Week
The chart Nicola ‘What Ya Talking About’ Willis used at her 0800 2MANYCONES press conference.
❌ Buzzword Ban
“Journey”
Unless you’re Frodo walking into Mordor, it’s not a journey — it’s just a company trying to fix what it broke.
Bonus penalty if it’s paired with “customer journey.” You’re not a hobbit. You’re a call centre with a UX problem.
🍺Friday Drinks Cheat Sheet
We’ve got you covered - try one of these bad boys out to get the conversation popping.
“NZ’s fixing the supermarket duopoly the same way I fix my relationships — break them up and hope someone hotter shows up.”
“Silver Fern says it’s ‘turning the ship’ — mate, it’s like a cow ship doing a U-turn in the mud with no
rudder.“My Food Bag reckons they’re growing. I reckon I’m getting scammed $180 a week to chop my own carrots.”
That’s all for this week, see you next Friday. Until then, stay Bizzy As Bro!
— Rich Liston
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